by Dr. Tracy Mallett, Psy.D., Licensed Psychologist, LMFT
It’s possible to show empathy even if you don’t agree.
One of the most important—and often most difficult—relationship skills is learning to listen to someone’s concerns without becoming defensive.
Empathetic listening means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and making a genuine effort to understand their perspective, even when you see the situation differently. Understanding someone’s point of view does not mean you have to agree with it. It simply means that you are willing to listen, acknowledge their experience, and recognize that their feelings are real and meaningful to them.
For example, you might say:
“I can understand why that hurt your feelings, even though I experienced the situation differently.”
That is empathy. You are not necessarily admitting that you did something wrong. You are communicating that you are willing to understand how your actions affected the other person.
Why We Become Defensive
Defensiveness is a natural response when we feel criticized, blamed, misunderstood, or attacked. When someone tells us that something we did hurt them, our first instinct may be to explain ourselves:
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I only did that because you…”
“You’re remembering it wrong.”
“Well, you do the same thing.”
From our perspective, we may simply be trying to clarify what happened. But to the other person, our explanation may sound like denial, excuse-making, blame-shifting, victimization, shutting down, or counterattacking.
The problem isn't necessarily that you have a different perspective. The problem is when your need to defend yourself prevents you from hearing the other person’s perspective.
Listen first. Explain later.
When someone raises a concern, resist the urge to immediately justify your actions.
Instead, try to understand what they are saying before responding with your own perspective.
You might ask:
“Can you help me understand what was upsetting about that?”
“What did you hear me saying?”
“How did that make you feel?”
“What would you have liked me to do differently?”
“Is there something you want me to understand that I’m missing?”
Once the other person feels heard, there is usually more room for you to explain your own perspective without it being experienced as a dismissal, excuse, or counter-attack.
Empathy Is Not Agreement
A common misconception is that empathizing with someone means admitting that they are right.
It doesn't.
You can acknowledge someone's feelings without agreeing with their interpretation of events.
For example:
Defensive response:
“You shouldn't be upset. I wasn't trying to hurt you.”
Empathetic response:
“I can see that what I said hurt you. I want to understand why.”
The second response leaves room for both realities: your intention and their experience.
This distinction is particularly important in relationships because people can experience the same interaction very differently. You don't have to decide who is “right” before you can listen with empathy.
What Defensiveness Can Look Like
Defensiveness doesn't always look like an argument. Sometimes it looks like shutting down or walking away. Some common forms of defensiveness include:
Stopping listening because you are preparing your response
Walking away without indicating that you need a time-out
Blaming the other person for bringing up the issue
Accusing the other person of doing the same thing
Bringing up past mistakes instead of addressing the current concern
Telling the other person how they “should” feel
Dismissing or minimizing their perspective
Making excuses
Becoming judgmental or critical
Counterattacking
Changing the subject
Saying “I don't want to talk about this” without being willing returning to the conversation later
Focusing exclusively on your intentions rather than also considering the impact of your behavior
None of these responses actually resolve the original concern. Instead, they often turn one problem into two: 1). The original issue and 2). The way the issue was discussed.
What to Do Instead
Show concern
Let the other person know that their feelings matter to you.
“I can see that this is really upsetting to you.”
Show empathy
Try to understand the emotional experience behind the complaint.
“If I were in your position, I can understand why that might have felt hurtful.”
Use “I” statements
Take responsibility for communicating your own thoughts, feelings, and experiences rather than telling the other person what they think or feel.
Instead of:
“You always think I'm doing something wrong.”
Try:
“I feel discouraged when I hear that I'm disappointing you.”
Stay on topic
If the other person raises a concern about something that happened today, resist the temptation to bring up something they did six months ago.
There may be other issues that need to be addressed—but one conversation does not have to resolve every problem in the relationship.
You can say:
“I do want to talk about what happened last week, but I'd like to stay focused on what we're discussing right now. We can come back to that afterward.”
Be willing to accept responsibility
Taking responsibility does not mean taking responsibility for everything.
If you made a mistake, acknowledge it.
“You're right. I shouldn't have spoken to you that way. I'm sorry.”
You don't need to add a “but” immediately afterward.
A genuine acknowledgment is often much more effective than a lengthy explanation.
Make requests instead of criticisms
If you want something to change, communicate what you would like the other person to do rather than simply telling them what they are doing wrong.
Instead of:
“You never listen to me.”
Try:
“I'd like you to put your phone away while we're talking so I know you are listening.”
A specific request gives the other person something they can actually respond to.
Focus on your own behavior
You cannot control how another person thinks, feels, or behaves. You can control how you respond.
Rather than trying to force someone to see things your way, ask yourself:
“What can I do differently?”
That might mean listening more carefully, changing how you communicate, setting a boundary, taking responsibility, or choosing not to escalate the interaction.
Communicate assertively
Empathy does not mean abandoning your own needs or agreeing with everything the other person says.
You can be empathetic and assertive.
For example:
“I understand why you're upset, and I want to talk about it. I'm not comfortable being yelled at, though. If we can speak calmly, I'm willing to continue the conversation.”
This acknowledges the other person's feelings while maintaining an appropriate boundary.
When You Need a Time-Out
Sometimes you genuinely cannot stay calm enough to listen.
That's okay.
Taking a time-out is very different from walking away, shutting down, or abandoning the conversation.
A healthy time-out communicates three things:
I recognize that we need a break.
I am taking responsibility for regulating myself.
I intend to return to the conversation.
For example:
“I'm getting too upset to listen effectively right now. I don't want this conversation to turn into an argument. I need about 30 minutes to calm down, and then I'd like to come back and talk about this.”
The important part is coming back.
Walking away without explanation can feel like rejection or abandonment. A clearly communicated time-out gives both people an opportunity to calm down without turning the break into another source of conflict.
Trade Blaming for Problem-Solving
Once both people feel heard, the conversation can move from “Who is wrong?” to “What can we do differently next time?”
One of the most useful questions you can ask is:
“What would you have liked me to have done differently?”
This question shifts the conversation toward a specific, actionable solution.
You may not be able to agree with everything the other person says. You may even believe their expectations are unreasonable. But asking the question communicates something important:
“I care enough about this relationship to understand what you need from me.”
And that is the foundation of empathetic communication.
The goal is understanding, rather than winning
Healthy communication isn't about proving who is right, defending every decision, or making sure the other person admits fault.
The goal is to understand one another, communicate your own perspective clearly, take responsibility for your part, and work together toward a solution.
Challenge yourself to adopt these personal goals:
Listen first.
Understand before responding.
Take responsibility for your choices.
When you disagree, do it kindly, without dismissing the other person's experience.
You’ve got this!